The Next Chapter

May 27th was my last post.  It is hard to believe that almost 4 months have passed.  Some days 4 months seems like an eternity and sometimes like yesterday.  I have pondered this post many times and delayed writing because I couldn't really think of how to articulate the turmoil going on in my life.  There are things I don't want to say and have it "out there," especially since my anger is not yet resolved.  I don't have the writing eloquence as so many of the bloggers I follow do so I will just stick with what I know, throwing it out there.

As of July 15th I am officially a divorcee.  I have not been official in changing my name back legally but it is on the list.  The very long list of things to do.  The shit went down April 26th.  April 25th life was "normal" (though I had suspicians and was doing some snooping).  April 26th he picked the fight that led to a week of silence until I finally confronted him.  He was in such a hurry to get out of our 10 year marriage he was willing to walk away from just about everything but most importantly the property.  By the first week in June we filed for divorce and a few days later he took his essentials and left.  6 weeks later it was official.  I don't remember much during that time.  It is all a blur.  I had my house and barn, all 4 dogs, cats, horses, etc but I had lost myself.  During it all I had no interest in riding.  I got on Poppy here and there.  Maybe once a week and poor Luxxx not at all.  Other than my once a week barn help I am taking care of this place on my own.  I mow, weed wack, clean, etc this whole place myself.  Shit has been breaking left and right and you know what?  I've learned to just add it to the list.  I have also learned that I have some amazing people in my life that either come fix it or tell me who to call.  I don't know if I can do this all myself forever but I am damn sure going to give it my best.  I have my house, I have my barn, I have my dogs, I have my horses, and that is what is most important to me right now.  The thought of having to sell the property and figure out what to do with all my animals was a thought I couldn't bear.  They got me through the hardest thing I have dealt with so far.  And mowing helped too.  It is kind of strange how calming mowing can be... and work.  In the midst of all this I received a promotion.  I took on alot more work and was able to bury myself in that and not look up. 

So here I am still trying to figure things out.  What I know since April 26th is that this was a blessing.  No really, it is!  I would rather be alone than unhappy.  I wasn't happy and I didn't deserve many of the things I went through.  At this point I think I am mostly out of the "dark stage."  That is one reason I didn't post.  No one would have wanted to read those thoughts.  Athough I read blogs I rarely commented.  I knew to keep my doom and gloom attitude to myself.  I also know that I am ready to ride again.  I have been trying to get Poppy into shape with the goal of doing an A rated show In September.  The summer monsoon season has really made it hard to ride.  The show is here and my mare is still out of shape but we are going anyway.  I don't care if I bump down 1 or 2 divisions, I am going to go do what I loved and missed the most.  He may have broken my heart but he will not steal my soul.  Send some positive horse show vibes this way because we will certainly need them.  I will keep you posted...

Back to Basics

My dear problem child is being just that.  He is back to Luxifer.  Back to basics we go.  He is making a visit to my cowboy friend M this week.  In the mean time I'm back to ground work.  Luxifer is arrogant and has minimal respect for others.  Although he has come a long way he still has a long way to go.

While we wait to go visit M I decided to do an exercise to build trust with him.  When we started him we worked him in the round pen and doing what is called joining up.  It works best in the round pen but since I don't have one I used the lunge line.  I layed the ground work by grooming him (this always relaxes him) then going to the small paddock and asking him to stand quietly, back up, walk forward, etc.  He briefly pays attention then focuses elsewhere.  It is constant "yo you, pay attention!"  He also loves to tear off at a gallop when we get to the lunge spot. I made him walk to the center and wait until I told him to go.

Now I am by no means an expert at joining up so I simply practiced what M had taught me last year. I let him lunge and kept him forward until he showed signs of wanting to stop.  It took him quite awhile to wear down.  As usual he was distracted and only occasionally turned an ear to me.  When he starts to relax he will put his nose to the ground.  When he did this I turned my back to him.  I made no eye contact and looked down.    Eventually he stopped and walked over to me.  I walked away and he followed.  He was still distracted but this was progress.  A pat on the forehead and we headed to the barn.

We will do this again today.  This horse has to learn respect and trust with me.  I feel completely unattached to him and I am sure this is mutual.  When he misbehaves the bond and trust grow further apart. This perpetuating the bad behavior.

I will try to update our work with M later this week.  This horse remains a challenge but we aren't giving up yet.

Stepping Back

This blog post on the Chronicle could not have come out at a more opportune time.  If you haven't read it please do.  She's right.  There is life outside the bubble.  As my life feels like it is spinning out of control I am questioning everything.  I have started to wonder if it's possible to be too obsessed?  Maybe in my quest to get better and move up and bring my horses to their top level I forgot about the outside world???  In the bubble I didn't really care about the outside world until it all started to careen out of control.  So here I sit questioning everything and taking a step back.  It's the only logical thing to do when work life, personal life, and hobby life are all in the pits.  

Poppy is at least doing well.  Luxxx is another story.  As you know he is a tough one.  Always challenging me.  He has started some bad behaviors and I am not in an emotionally healthy place to deal with them.  I have someone coming out to help me with him this week.  I will see how that goes and I will either continue with that or send him to a friend's for training.  Correct training is so important with these young horses (and also nipping bad behaviors) so I will step back and let someone with a clear head on their shoulders step in.  

So that's where I'm at right now.  Still here and trying to get a good view of all this chaos and chip away slowly.

Liverpool Saga

I'm having a good day so I feel like I can write a post and not be a downer.  I greatly appreciate all the supportive comments.  As my mom says...this too shall pass.

Horses.  Horses are good.  After the last show where Ms. Poppy decided she no longer does liverpools that has become my focus with her.  I went out and bought a bunch of blue tarps and now several of my jumps have pseudo liver pools.  I also bought an extra to keep in the horse trailer to bring to shows.  I made the tarps scary and wide.  One is hidden behind a gate.  Another is under a wide airy oxer.  The third she has seen under a tall vertical.  The first time I kept the jumps small, 3 footish.  My goal is to build her confidence and make these scary things become no big deal.  So the idea is keep the jumps small at first and go up each ride as she gets more confident with the liverpools again.  

The first time jumping the wide airy oxer with the tarp beneath she ran out left.  I went right back to it, held the right rein and used the crop for encouragement.  She went over but was reluctant.  We kept jumping it until she no longer felt backed off.  She gave me no issue with the other oxer with the liverpool.  The next ride although she didn't run out she again felt backed off.  I was sure to ride up to it strong and jump it several times until she felt more confident.  On Saturday I put the liverpool jumps up a hole each and now she is riding up nicely to them.  I will continue to gradually go up and eventually move those tarps to different jumps to keep us both on our toes.

My trainer had a couple people back out of the show this weekend so we aren't going.  Maybe she can rally the troops for the next one in 2 weeks.  

I Can't Think of a Title

My blog silence is purposeful.  It's one thing to have things with the horse going crappy whether it be training issues, lameness, or colic.  I can write about those things.  What I am currently sad about I can't blog about.  Maybe down the road but not now.  

This doesn't mean I am done blogging.  Maybe I am pausing.  Maybe a break.  I don't know.  When I can write something more meaningful than "everything sucks right now" I will.

Life has a funny way of working out so I'm sure I will be back and better than before.

For now here are some photos from Poppy's last show.

Warm up ring

When It Rains, It Pours

I appreciate all of your encouraging comments about my horse show last weekend.  I was looking forward to moving on this week and getting to ride the baby Monster.  Tuesday he came in from his paddock with some puffiness in his front left leg.  By the time I got home from work it was puffier, had heat, and he was lame.  I cold hosed it,  poulticed it, and turned him out.  Since he was just a bit off I wanted him moving around to keep the swelling down.  

While I re-poulticed it Wednesday morning I noticed Poppy wasn't eating.  She didn't touch her feed or hay.  The Marshmallow never turns down food!  Sometimes she will eat a little grain then devour her hay and finish the grain later.  Not this morning.  She just stood quietly in the back of her stall.  I texted my vet and she told me to go ahead and give her Banamine.  I took away her grain and hay and gave her the meds.  She wasn't distressed or acting like she was in pain.  She would even take a treat.  My vet told me after awhile to give her an oily bran mash.  She ate that and pooped shortly after.  That was it for poop for the rest of the day though.  That afternoon my vet said to turn her out on the grass and see if she would drink while out.  She did and she happily grazed.  For dinner she got another oily bran mash and I kept an eye on her all night to make sure she didn't make a turn for the worse.  On a more positive note, Monster's leg was improving.

This morning Poppy was still alert and nickering for breakfast.  She got another oily bran mash and pooped so my vet said she could have a little hay.  She ate her hay and continued to have normal bowels all day.  She didn't drink as much as I would like though.  Another oily bran mash for dinner, out on the grass, and a little hay.  I will watch her again tonight but thankfully she is much better.

It is heartbreaking to see our fur babies hurt or not feeling well.  This week was a double whammy but I am thankful both horses seem to be on the mend.  

Where Do We Go From Here?

I probably could have gone into far more detail in yeaterday's post and even given more insight but I chose not to.  I truly want to move on.  I don't see the point of dissecting a bad show to pieces when we have had tons of good shows.  Amazing shows.  What I do want to do is take what I learned and fix it.

What did I learn?  My mare can jump 1.20m with room to spare.  I also learned she isn't confident enough yet at that height to jump anyway when something is spooky.  At the lower heights she was confident enough to way over jump the scary liverpool.

So how do I fix this?  I give her confidence.  If you guessed that every one of my jumps at home will likely have a liverpool or liverpoolish thing under it you are correct.  Will I drill her?  No.  I will simply expose her to lots of things so they aren't a big deal and then we will practice them at the bigger heights.  Will she stop again at a show?  Possibly. At our next show (which is in May) I will ride her like she might stop.  If I am confident she will learn to be too.  And that's it.  We won't dwell.  

She finally will take a treat from me again.  Like I said yesterday we are both beat up emotionally.  It's been a long time since I've had to play the bad guy with her.  I haven't needed to and I got too comfortable.  

Poppy will have part of this week off so we can both have a break and then we will get back at it.  In the meantime baby has a clinic to get ready for!