Wednesday, September 16, 2015

The Next Chapter

May 27th was my last post.  It is hard to believe that almost 4 months have passed.  Some days 4 months seems like an eternity and sometimes like yesterday.  I have pondered this post many times and delayed writing because I couldn't really think of how to articulate the turmoil going on in my life.  There are things I don't want to say and have it "out there," especially since my anger is not yet resolved.  I don't have the writing eloquence as so many of the bloggers I follow do so I will just stick with what I know, throwing it out there.

As of July 15th I am officially a divorcee.  I have not been official in changing my name back legally but it is on the list.  The very long list of things to do.  The shit went down April 26th.  April 25th life was "normal" (though I had suspicians and was doing some snooping).  April 26th he picked the fight that led to a week of silence until I finally confronted him.  He was in such a hurry to get out of our 10 year marriage he was willing to walk away from just about everything but most importantly the property.  By the first week in June we filed for divorce and a few days later he took his essentials and left.  6 weeks later it was official.  I don't remember much during that time.  It is all a blur.  I had my house and barn, all 4 dogs, cats, horses, etc but I had lost myself.  During it all I had no interest in riding.  I got on Poppy here and there.  Maybe once a week and poor Luxxx not at all.  Other than my once a week barn help I am taking care of this place on my own.  I mow, weed wack, clean, etc this whole place myself.  Shit has been breaking left and right and you know what?  I've learned to just add it to the list.  I have also learned that I have some amazing people in my life that either come fix it or tell me who to call.  I don't know if I can do this all myself forever but I am damn sure going to give it my best.  I have my house, I have my barn, I have my dogs, I have my horses, and that is what is most important to me right now.  The thought of having to sell the property and figure out what to do with all my animals was a thought I couldn't bear.  They got me through the hardest thing I have dealt with so far.  And mowing helped too.  It is kind of strange how calming mowing can be... and work.  In the midst of all this I received a promotion.  I took on alot more work and was able to bury myself in that and not look up. 

So here I am still trying to figure things out.  What I know since April 26th is that this was a blessing.  No really, it is!  I would rather be alone than unhappy.  I wasn't happy and I didn't deserve many of the things I went through.  At this point I think I am mostly out of the "dark stage."  That is one reason I didn't post.  No one would have wanted to read those thoughts.  Athough I read blogs I rarely commented.  I knew to keep my doom and gloom attitude to myself.  I also know that I am ready to ride again.  I have been trying to get Poppy into shape with the goal of doing an A rated show In September.  The summer monsoon season has really made it hard to ride.  The show is here and my mare is still out of shape but we are going anyway.  I don't care if I bump down 1 or 2 divisions, I am going to go do what I loved and missed the most.  He may have broken my heart but he will not steal my soul.  Send some positive horse show vibes this way because we will certainly need them.  I will keep you posted...